Mastering the Art of the Compassionate No

I had a wild realization last week.

I was thinking over (or perhaps just overthinking) the particulars of an upcoming work project, and I found myself listing out all the things I needed to be in place for it to go well, and how much work I expected the client to do, and how much time I was willing to spend on it, and how much stress I was willing to tolerate in the process.  

And then I realized I had turned down no less than three other really fun-sounding creative projects within the five days previous because I was already decently booked up and didn’t want to overwork myself, and this little voice in my head whispered, “Damn, girl, you have a lot of terms and conditions!”

I felt momentarily guilty, but then a lightbulb flickered on: Heck yeah, I have some Ts & Cs!

I’ve got strict standards for the circumstances I’ll abide within my working life — And it’s about damned time.

For so long, I was terrified to advocate for my own needs when it came to jobs. (My bosses LOVED this, as you can guess, and my regular reward was being worked to the marrow so they could take family vacations, enjoy frequent mental health days, or in one particularly egregious instance, clip and file their nails while watching YouTube videos for a good portion of each workday as I sweated over my keyboard.)

Even as a freelancer, this tendency to avoid limit-setting lingered stubbornly. I said Yes to projects I didn’t necessarily have time or capacity or interest or even aptitude for because I didn’t know how to say No — Not even when a compassionate No would have benefitted everyone involved.

I genuinely believed that to hold on to good clients and build a strong stable of steady work, I had to bend over backward to please people.

In one sense, it’s true: the world cheers you on when you push (or outright ignore) your limits. When you make room for one more commitment. When you say yes and figure it out later. Because then others don’t have to do the backward bending and mental gymnastics required to wrangle an overfull schedule.

What the world doesn’t cheer on is people guarding blank spaces in their days, people asking for a break, people saying, “That just work for me right now.”

But guess what? If you’re a free agent, you get to do all of those things!

The world — i.e., your clients — will get over it. And if they like working with you and view your work as high-quality, an occasional No isn’t gone to shift the relationship much.

Seriously! Any passing disappointment you might impose on others by drawing bright lines around your limits will fade, and often shockingly quickly, so long as your No is compassionate, timely and firm.

Pro tip: If a Compassionate No still feels intimidating, trying tacking on a lesser offer of assistance to demonstrate your goodwill toward your clients:

I can’t do that, but here’s someone else who might be able to help you.

I can’t do that, but my schedule clears up a lot next month — are you in a rush?

I can’t do that, but I could help you with this other smaller thing.

Ts & Cs are a fundamental freelancer’s right — Time to start exercising it!