Should Your Partner Critique Your Writing?

They’re decently smart.

They’re reasonable enough.

And they’re sitting right there!

But is it ever wise to ask a partner to read and comment on your work in progress?

Practicality comes into play here, but so do the pitfalls of personalizing critique.  

Yes, your partner is a free source of feedback, and ought to be interested in supporting your creative endeavors, at least emotionally. (Financially? We’ll get to that another time.)

And when a partner takes general exception with something you’ve written, or finds it boring or overlong, you won’t be afraid to challenge or clarify their assertions, which, when deployed with restraint, can be a healthy exercise.

But are you ready for your partner’s blunt honesty? Really ready? Or are you more interested in a little flattery?

And is your partner really equipped to do your work the justice of a thoughtful appraisal? Are they a good reader or a good writer? Are they particularly insightful?

Do they actually want to read your work?

And if they don’t, or won’t, what then?

I won’t lie; I once dumped a serious boyfriend in part because he showed zero interest in any of my writing, even when cajoled and outright begged to care — this despite the fact that he, too, worked in a creative profession.

I also once fell in love with a man largely because he expressed deep admiration for my writing.

That’s embarrassing to cop to, but it’s true.

He told me I was brilliant.

He told me he I was going to be famous.

I really liked being told those things.

Ultimately, he loved my written work far more than he loved the actual me, with all my flaws and faults and stutters.

When this became clear, I remember thinking: Well, f*#k my writing, then!

It was inanimate, temporal, just words.  

What about the me who had labored so long and hard over them? Didn’t I matter more?

Nope.

Lesson learned. Now, I’m married, and I take a more measured view.

I do ask my partner to read my work on occasion. But never without a healthy sense of misgiving, and never without making my expectations explicit at the outset, whether I’m after a little feedback on a tricky bit of phrasing, a general reaction, or, simply, a little gentle encouragement that I’m still a good writer (and person) and shouldn’t give up just yet.

And if things go awry, I fall back on that refrain: F*#k my writing!

It’s not the most important thing about me. Not by a long shot.

And him falling over himself to tell me I’m wonderful and my work is flawless is not necessary.  

We want and need and deserve encouragement from our partners. They are our sounding boards, our biggest fans, a ready anchor to windward against a world that often appears to derive deep pleasure from taking creative folks down a notch.

Your partner can act as your reader, to a point, and as your cheerleader, to a point.

Your partner should not be asked to act as your boss, coach, or mentor.

Asking your partner to take up a torch for your creative endeavors can be often messy, disappointing and ill-advised.

Get a few practiced beta readers you’ll never meet in real life to help you keep that flame alight, or, even better, hire an editor! Your relationships — and your work in progress — will be better for it.